There's No Guaranties

I can't figure out what to do with my manuscript. I've decided to stop submitting to journals until next fall. In the meanwhile I'm going to compose new poems, revise older poems, build up a stock pile of new material, and read. But I can't mitigate the bane of my creative existence: that first manuscript.

I suppose my struggle to complete, and maybe more importantly to feel comfortable, is normal but it begs an important question: why am I so hell bent on finishing my first manuscript? First, it seems like the next logical step in my poetic progression. I've had over a hundred accepted and/or published poems; although, I haven't had a ton published by "bigger" or "top tier" journals (although those monikers seem relative). Second, I want validation, which is probably, albeit honest, an inappropriate reason. I've always struggled immensely with the idea of referring to myself as a "poet" because--although I write a lot, read a lot, and have had a few poems published--I don't feel "legitimate" since I don't have a published collection of poetry. Although my reasons for wanting a published manuscript are not tenure, resume building, fame, fortune, etc., it is, quite possibly, driven by vanity.

It might be easy to conclude that perhaps the manuscript isn't ready yet. Of course my close friends BJ and Luke might say I'm being stupid. But I think one of my greatest fears associated with finishing my first manuscript is that I'll finish it, send it out, and then not like the final product: that it will be one of hundreds of mediocre poetry manuscripts. I've always wanted my poetry to matter and I'm afraid it won't matter. I'm not worried about rejection; after being rejected 768 times by literary journals, working in sales for a bank, and having my manuscript rejected 4 times thus far I'm used to rejection. It's part of the process.

One of my other fears is including poems in my first manuscript that really belong in another manuscript. I view my poetry thus far in different time periods:

1. 2001-fall 2005
2. Summer 2004-present

The main difference between the two time periods are voice and form. My voice started shifting in late 2005 as I started experimenting with form but the shift initially started when I started writing a series of 12 Ghazals in the summer of 2004 in response to the arrest of a suspected (and now convicted) serial killer in Kansas City. I wrote one Ghazal for each victim. I just completed the twelfth in the series a few months ago. But the experimentation with the Ghazal as a form that usually expresses "both the pain and loss or separation and the beauty of love in spite of that pain" (according to Wikipedia) by using the Ghazal to express both loss and the affects of violence instead of love was the beginning of a shift in voice.

How does this relate to putting together my first manuscript? Well, the manuscript, until now, has included poems that were composed between 2001 and 2005 and are primarily free verse (polyphonic prose). I've been working on the manuscript since March 2003 and since there was an overlap between the two developmental periods quite a few poems from my more recent work were sneaking into the manuscript but they seemed to have a different voice. So, the question I've been asking myself is should I include poems that from both developmental periods since they seem to have different voices?

To be honest, I'd much rather be focusing most of my energy on writing then obsessing about finishing my first manuscript. I don't know...perhaps there's a few chapbooks in my earlier poems and not a manuscript.

But ultimately does it really matter? I started writing poetry because I love poetry and can't get it out of my mind...it's like a sickness. When did it become about publication? After all, I never went to a MFA program so the pressures to compete, produce, build a resume through publication and award winning, etc. has never been prescient. Oh well, love is hell!