There's No Guaranties

I can't figure out what to do with my manuscript. I've decided to stop submitting to journals until next fall. In the meanwhile I'm going to compose new poems, revise older poems, build up a stock pile of new material, and read. But I can't mitigate the bane of my creative existence: that first manuscript.

I suppose my struggle to complete, and maybe more importantly to feel comfortable, is normal but it begs an important question: why am I so hell bent on finishing my first manuscript? First, it seems like the next logical step in my poetic progression. I've had over a hundred accepted and/or published poems; although, I haven't had a ton published by "bigger" or "top tier" journals (although those monikers seem relative). Second, I want validation, which is probably, albeit honest, an inappropriate reason. I've always struggled immensely with the idea of referring to myself as a "poet" because--although I write a lot, read a lot, and have had a few poems published--I don't feel "legitimate" since I don't have a published collection of poetry. Although my reasons for wanting a published manuscript are not tenure, resume building, fame, fortune, etc., it is, quite possibly, driven by vanity.

It might be easy to conclude that perhaps the manuscript isn't ready yet. Of course my close friends BJ and Luke might say I'm being stupid. But I think one of my greatest fears associated with finishing my first manuscript is that I'll finish it, send it out, and then not like the final product: that it will be one of hundreds of mediocre poetry manuscripts. I've always wanted my poetry to matter and I'm afraid it won't matter. I'm not worried about rejection; after being rejected 768 times by literary journals, working in sales for a bank, and having my manuscript rejected 4 times thus far I'm used to rejection. It's part of the process.

One of my other fears is including poems in my first manuscript that really belong in another manuscript. I view my poetry thus far in different time periods:

1. 2001-fall 2005
2. Summer 2004-present

The main difference between the two time periods are voice and form. My voice started shifting in late 2005 as I started experimenting with form but the shift initially started when I started writing a series of 12 Ghazals in the summer of 2004 in response to the arrest of a suspected (and now convicted) serial killer in Kansas City. I wrote one Ghazal for each victim. I just completed the twelfth in the series a few months ago. But the experimentation with the Ghazal as a form that usually expresses "both the pain and loss or separation and the beauty of love in spite of that pain" (according to Wikipedia) by using the Ghazal to express both loss and the affects of violence instead of love was the beginning of a shift in voice.

How does this relate to putting together my first manuscript? Well, the manuscript, until now, has included poems that were composed between 2001 and 2005 and are primarily free verse (polyphonic prose). I've been working on the manuscript since March 2003 and since there was an overlap between the two developmental periods quite a few poems from my more recent work were sneaking into the manuscript but they seemed to have a different voice. So, the question I've been asking myself is should I include poems that from both developmental periods since they seem to have different voices?

To be honest, I'd much rather be focusing most of my energy on writing then obsessing about finishing my first manuscript. I don't know...perhaps there's a few chapbooks in my earlier poems and not a manuscript.

But ultimately does it really matter? I started writing poetry because I love poetry and can't get it out of my mind...it's like a sickness. When did it become about publication? After all, I never went to a MFA program so the pressures to compete, produce, build a resume through publication and award winning, etc. has never been prescient. Oh well, love is hell!

Moth Balls

A few bits:

• Everything smelled like moth balls today. I drove north on 69 and it smelled like moth balls; it was either the river or the rail road yards. I got some coffee at Broadway and the Oriental Rug store smelled like moth balls. I stopped by work and the parking lot smelled like moth balls...perhaps it was the fallen crab apples.
  
• Megan, Gavin, Brayden, and I went to The Corner Cafe in Riverside for lunch. I ate too much.
• Elijah's in Omaha with his friends: they're going to the Omaha Zoo tomorrow.
  
• Megan and I are going to watch Iron Man tonight.
• I have a lot of thoughts stirring around but I haven't had the time yet to postulate a written version of my thoughts.
  
• I started David Kirby's The Temple Gate Called Beautiful and I like it so far. I have a list of Alice and James Books I will be purchasing very, very soon...perhaps even tonight.
• The thoughts will come out...perhaps tomorrow night and Monday night.
  

Nobody Said It Was Easy

My 401k has lost 17.06% of its value. I hate looking at but have to check it occasionally. I refuse to look at my IRA as it might be worth next to nothing. Ahhh, fun times...fun times.

Victoria Chang

I went to the Victoria Chang reading tonight but before I get to the details I have to mention that the Digital and Web Manager for the KC Public Library, Kate Barsotti, tracked me down to explain the RVP thing: how did she do that?

Back to the Victoria Chang reading: it was brilliant. She read from Circles, then read from her new collection, Salvinia Molesta, before returning to Circles. I love this approach to a reading; it's the way I envision a good concert. You want to hear some of the oldies (that is the songs you're familiar with) because you may not be familiar with the newer songs. I've been to a lot of readings where the poet just assumes you're familiar with their old work and doesn't even bother reading any older poems and just launches into newer poems that most of the audience is completely unfamiliar with; I like a little bit of both. In addition, she was very unpretentious, down to earth, and interacted with the audience quite a bit: superb etiquette (if that's the right word).

Victoria Chang's poetry is, in every sense of the word, beautiful. She is economical with language. She interacts with history with a fresh and unique voice. She engages universal issues with elegance and grace. Her poetry is truly lyrical. Please pick up her book.

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On a non poetry note:

• We had pork roast last night and my youngest son, Brayden (2 1/2), thought the brown gravy was poop, which of course, my eldest son thought was hilarious. Megan later told Elijah that Brayden is developing a schema for understanding the world and now he knows that brown and runny isn't always poop. Now, he knows brown and runny might be gravy. Of course, Elijah questioned this reasoning by asking: "How does he know a brownie's not poop or meat loaf. They're brown and clumpy."
• I was embarrassed during the debate tonight. Governor Palin was very embarrassing. At one point, I went into my office to pay bills and shut the door so I couldn't hear her.
  
• I got registered in Jackson County (I was registered in Black Hawk County in IA) and I'm definitely voting Obama...just to clarify the previous bullet point.
• Did you hear about the earmarks connected to the Senate Bail Out Bill? Rum producers, auto racing, film and television production, and producers of wooden arrows?
  
• Damage from speeding ticket from about a month ago: $105.00
• Next readings: Hadara Bar Nadav at the Writer's Place next Friday and Charles Simic on Thursday October 23rd.

Promises

I promise I'll blog more. I promise. I didn't mention this earlier because I was too busy not blogging but Cave Wall picked up a couple of my poems a few weeks ago. Cave Wall is an awesome journal and Rhett Iseman Trull is probably the most professional editor I've encountered and is talented poet to boot. Check out Cave Wall when you get a chance...you won't regret it.

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Victoria Change is reading at the gorgeous central library in downtown KC tomorrow night. I loved Circles. The KC Library's website is strange though; their website makes it sound as if you have to RSVP to attend the reading. But I think it's information mining; they just want to snag an e-mail, an address, and phone numbers so they can send me more junk mail.

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By the way, I suck at promises. Now, I'm going to take the trash out; tomorrow is trash day in KC.

Consolation

I got a speeding ticket yesterday on the way to 810Zone in the Plaza. I guess the only consolation is that I was going to meet my brother to watch the Hawkeyes-Cyclones football game, and the Hawkeyes won.

Today I went to Broadway Cafe and Roastery to work on my poetry manuscript. Yes, an aspiring poet in a coffee shop is a cliche, as is an aspiring poet-blogger talking about a "poetry manuscript." It was, per usual, confusing. I sent the manuscript, in its first official incarnation (although, it had probably lived through at least a dozen different incarnations and/or drafts), to four contests in March. They were all rejected, which is expected and I am oddly not at all disappointed because a few days after sending out the batch for Round 1 I hated the structure, organization, etc. of the manuscript. I was comfortable with the majority of the poems; just not the structure. I am now revising it to resend out: Round 2!!! I expect this to be a very long bout.

By the way, if you like coffee and are ever in KC definitely go to Broadway. Also, if you're ever in SF definitely check out the Bluebottle Coffee Company; they are both exquisite roasteries.

Jesus' Spicy Side

I really pretty much suck at blogging but I'm going to keep trucking because it can be fun. That said, my son, Gavin, engaged Megan and I in a conversation about good and evil yesterday. He had questions and theories about the devil (i.e., Satan, the dark one, the fallen angel, etc., etc.). Then our oldest son, Elijah, chimed in and told us that the devil is Jesus' spicy side...of course jokingly. Whether his comment was theologically correct or not doesn't matter...it was brilliant and very creative. I'm sure there would be some fundamentalist evangelicals who would be aghast at his comment but Megan and I thought it was hilarious. Jesus' spicy side?!? Perhaps those of you who occasionally read this blog are thinking: spicy side??? Check Spicy Town out. Brilliant!!!

On other, semi-spicy news: I love Matthea Harvey's poetry. I'm finishing up both Sad Little Breathing Machine and Modern Life. Perhaps I'm jumping on the M. Harvey band wagon. I don't give a shit...it's fun and poetry needs to be fund and inventive and complicated and puzzling and simple and interesting and wild. I mean shit..."The Future of Terror" and "Terror of the Future" poems are brilliant. I'm also reading Leslie Adrienne Miller's The Resurrection Trade, which I like so far, and Tony Hoagland's What Narcissism Means to Me which, at least so far, is better than Donkey Gospel. Of course this is just my opinion and I'm neither admitting or denying that I'm a fan of Hoagland's work. I'm also reading We by Yevgeny Zamyatan. Quite a full plate...but to write well...one must read well. I think William Shatner once said that.

Tonight I'm watching WWE Smack Down with the boys. When they go to bed I'll be chilling and drinking some Breckenridge Brewery Autumn Ale: good stuff.